My anxious life

Hey guys,

I’d seen some where that it’s Mental Health Awearness week, or month. I’m not sure which one but I’ve seen both.  So I thought the best thing to do is share my story I guess. I’ve been dealing with Anxiety my whole life. From the time I was diagnosed I was ashamed of it.  I told no one about it, thought of it as a shameful secret. I literally told no one about it. My mom and sisters were the only ones who knew.  I still struggle to tell people that I know irl and have to face. I am so afraid of someone feeling sorry for me, and I never want someone to be think “oh we can’t do that, Johnnielynn cant handle it.”  But Mental Illness is nothing to be ashamed of.

From what I’ve been told, I think my anxiety started back when I was still a baby.  When I was 3, my parents split, so we had a family counselor coming over and she was concerned about my self esteem. But my earliest memory of it is when I was 7. Which is still very young.  I don’t think anyone could understand why a child so young could be so broken. I think that’s why I managed to go so long undiagnosed.

When I was in second grade every day I would complain about being sick.  Then on the times that my mom would come home and get me, as soon as I was out the door I was suddenly fine. After a few times it had got to the point to where my teacher would feel my forehead for a fever and then send me back to my seat. I had gone to the doctors to have my stomach checked (it was fine) so I was brushed off as faking. So I just kind of had to deal with it.  I didn’t know what it felt like to be nervous, and you cant see nervousness on an x-ray or an Upper GI test.

As I got older I started having panic attacks,  I was around 11 or 12. I don’t remember what I had gotten so worked up over but suddenly I couldn’t breath. It hurt, and was scary and  I had no idea of what was going on. My mom tried calming me down, by pointing out that if I can talk then I have to be breathing, but we ended up in the ER anyway. My oxygen levels were normal, and I had been sent home.  This had happened a few times, so I had another appointment only this time a breathing test.  The panic attacks started shortly after my sister developed asthma, so when the breathing tests came back normal, I was again brushed off as faking.

I had just accepted the panic attacks are a part of me throwing fits.  Because I did that a lot too, I would get up set over something, and I would have a full on melt down. Everyday, at least once, sometimes more. As I got older they happened less often, but still at least once a week. It took me so long to get a control on my emotions. I now keep them under a very tight control.  I do still lose it occasionally almost always over something silly.

When I started Highschool, I started to pull away from my friends. I had spent a lot of time wondering around on my own. About half way through the year I tried convincing my mom to pull me out so I could be homeschooled. I would have settled for transferring, my mom worked in the next town over I could go there and ride with her.  All of my attempts to leave my school caused my mom to worry about me being bullied. I wasn’t, I just wanted to leave and start over at a school full of people who didn’t know me, or to just leave the school who did. She talked to my doctor about me to be sure home school would be a safe option for me. My doctor told my mom no, that I have Social Anxiety, gave me a prescription for Paxil, and an appointment with a counselor.  Through out high school I had tried a few different medications, and they all had terrible side effects.

I’ve been out of high school for over 10 years now and I still struggle to get a hand on my anxiety.  I experience panic attacks everyday, weather I have the constant tightening in my lungs, or end up a can’t breath, can’t function, spacey mess of anxiety. I’ve learnt to breath through the panic attacks. Thanks to the cat I had when I was a younger, who would lay on my chest when I was struggling the most.  While she would lay with me I would subconsciously match my breathing with hers which would then help me come out of the panic attack.  So it’s not as scary as it was when I was 12, and I know that it will pass, I just have to wait for it to end.

I’ve been seeing that May is Mental Health Awearness Month, or this is just Mental Health Awearness week.  I’ve seen both. Which is why I’ve decieded to open up a bit about my experience with Social Anxiety.  I basically just wrote this so that way anyone dealing with it won’t feel so alone, like I did.  When I was diagnosed mental health was not talked about. I’d never heard of Anxiety (I had always associated feeling anxious with excitement)  I didn’t know anyone who had an anxiety disorder. It was just me with trying to deal with something I didn’t understand alone.

Ipsy Faves makeup look

Hey guys,

I’ve been subscribed to Ipsy for a bit over a year now, and I have gotten so many great products.  I decided to feature some of my most used products from them.

For this look I started with maybelline fit me foundation (115) and buffed it in with a Luxie Precision Foundation brush. Then I used pixel triple boost concealer in 03 and with the same brush as before and blended in. Then I blended some Cover Girls Ready set gorgeous concealer under my eyes to brighten them up. Next using A Luxie Blush brush I applied Cait London Bamboo Bronzer in the hollows of my cheeks and on my forehead. Then I took Luxie Tapered highlight brush and Elizabeth Motts Show me your Glow highlighter down my nose, and on my cheek bones.  I used Dirty Little Secret’s Blush in Kitty Pink.  Then for my lips I used Tart’s Tarteist Quick Dry matte lip paint

Then on my eyes I took a NYX jumbo crayon in Yellow Gold and blended it with a Beau Gachis Smudge brush. Then with a Coasral Scents Br-B-S02 brush with the Balms Meet Matt(e)Trimony in Matt Kumar and applied it to the outer corner, lower lash line, and through my crease then blended them together with an Elizabeth Mott’s Blending Brush. Then I lined my eyes with Pixel party proof eyeliner and one of their pencils for the waterline. For my lashes I used pixels triple boost mascara.

These are just some of my more recent favorites from ipsy,  and the bags are even better. Seriously if you love trying new products, you should sign up for Ipsy. (Click here)


Birthday Haul

Hey Guys,

So last month was my birthday (april 13).  I have been using my birthday to excuse my spending.  How long after your birthday can you keep buying yourself birthday presents? Is that normal, buying yourself birthday presents? I don’t know, I don’t think I care lol.

I think my favorite gifts are the ones that Taylor bought me.  She picked out and paid for them herself.  But she bought me an acrylic makeup organizer, she knows I needed a better way to store my makeup, and I love it.  Se also got me these purple hand things that will hold my phone up.  She is too sweet, and was so proud of the presents.  She made me wait till we were on our vacation so all of us would be there. But she forgot and I had to wait even longer, but it was worth it.So Any way, the first thing I bought was from Colour pop.  I had seen an ad on Facebook that if you bought two eye shadows then they’d give you an eye shadow brush free. So of course I made sure I bought some.  Then Since I really liked everything I bought I put in a second order a week later.  So I bought, Some Super Shock Pigments in Kelp Me, Baby Talk, Jinxie, Paradox, Seeker, Elixir, and Brady. I also got a Super Shock Highlighter in Lunch Money. I love the Super Shock products, They’ve got like a not wet, but not dry formula.  They are so pigmented and blend wonderfully.  Then I bought three Lippie Stix, in Lumiere, Oh Snap, Trixie, and a Lippie Stix primer. This lip color is amazing, they feel great on and last for hours. The last thing I got from Colour Pop is Crème Gel Eyeliner in Swerve. This eyeliner glides on so smoothly and stays in place all well.

I also had gotten an Ulta Gift card From My cousin, so I popped in there on our way home from vacation. I finally got the Too Faced Chocolate Bon Bon palette. I am loving this palette right now.  Pink and browns are currently my favorite colors to wear. There is a mix of matte and shimmer shadows, and as a bonus they smell like chocolate.  The packaging is super cute too a pretty pink tin with some hearts on it.

I bought NYX  Primer spray, Eye Shadow Base, and a Jumbo Lip Pencil.  The primer spray is great, just a quick spray after moisturizer and your foundation will go on smooth and stay on longer. The Eye Shadow Base is amazing, it’s white so your eye shadow colors pop and last a bit longer. Then I wanted to get a purple Eye shadow crayon, but they didn’t have one so I got a lipstick crayon instead.  It works great as eyeshadow, except it kind of stained my eyelids.

I had also gotten a Bath and Body Gift card as well so I bought a Scentportable Holder and several fragrance refills, I’ve got the Vanilla Coconut one in my car right now and it smells so good, it’s not overwhelming but it’s not too subtle either.  I had also gotten a bottle of the Foaming Soap.  I love their foaming hand soaps they all smell so good.

I’d finally found a light box that is so cute and will be great in the background for photos.  But I didn’t buy any of the letters to go with it. I kind of thought it would have come with some. (that’s photo shopped). I did order some letters, and I’m real excited for them to come in, but it’ll be a few more weeks since I ordered them on wish.

I did have a great birthday, and I got some great things.  Also again does anyone else buy themselves birthday presents.

Family Vacation

Hi Guys,

I hope you all had a great Easter.  I did. My family and went on a little vacation.

The first thing we did that evening was head out to the pool with the kids.  The pool was cool they had a waterfall that you had to go through to go from the little kid side to the deeper side. then it was time for dinner and bed.

Saturday there was an Easter egg hunt at the place, so my mom and I took Tay and Landin to find it.  Except that we kind of got mixed up and missed it.  Luckily they had some eggs in a box that the kids got to look through to find prizes.  Then the boys took the kids to go mini-golf while my mom sisters and I went to a wine tasting.  I don’t actually like wine.  To be fair I don’t like any kind of alcohol.  I don’t know why but when ever I drink it makes my stomach hurt, even just a sip burns.  So I just stick to soda.

After the wine tasting we went for dinner. Then we went on a Wizards Quest, which sounds kind of nerdy but it was so much fun.  It was a puzzle/riddle game   Make sure you finish your quest before you get too carried away exploring, but definitely explore every where.  Crawl through all of the tunnels, but if you get claustrophobic maybe skip trying to go through the lava pit ( a tunnel filled with balls) that was not my favorite part. We lost our quest, because you only get an hour, but still all had so much fun.

Sunday we woke up to find that the Easter Bunny had come. Tay and Landin had to search for their baskets and then for the eggs he hid as well. After everyone was done with that we headed to an indoor  water and theme park.  The theme was a mix between a fair and an arcade for the indoor part. Outside they have roller coasters anc go karts and other rides. We were lucky and the weather was so nice that they had the roller coasters open. Which we rode on, and I discovered that I don’t love riding roller coasters.

Then it was off to the water park.  I spent a good part of the time floating with Taylor on the lazy river and only went on the slide once with Landin.  Then he and I went over to the little kid play area.he had fun. But I decided that I want to become a lifeguard at a waterpark so I can yell at the bratty kids who push little one out of their way.  This one boy who was probably 8-10 jumped on the slide infront of Landin who was waiting for the other little kid to get up from the bottom (I sternly reminded them that it was rude). Then again he pushed through Landin but this time his friends (or other kids that were there yelled at him, and he went somewhere else.

Then since I couldn’t handle the big slides I volunteered to sit with Linkin so every one else could climb to the top of the slides while I got to sit and cuddle my nephew.  I can handle the lines for the slide maybe two or three times, but after the roller coasters once was enough.

Monday we were supposed to get up early to go home but we bought tickets to the Ripley’s Believe it or Not museum when we did the wizards quest and we really wanted to go there as well so we waited around till it opened and went there first. That was fun, and so interesting.  They have a rickety bridge that we had to cross which was terrifying, and no one told me I could have easily gone around until after I had gone over. We went to a Mac N Cheese restaurant for lunch then we took the 10 hour drive home.  We got home at around 4:30 am then I had to work at 6:30… I didn’t get any sleep that night.  I did get a tiny amount of sleep in the car, but my whole last week was quite off because of that.

I got no sleep that night and spent the next week in a sleepy mess but it was definitely worth it.  I love when we all get together.  It’s definitely my favorite part of the vacation.

29 Things About Me

Hey guys,
So if you follow me on twitter you may have noticed me counting down to something. Tomorrow is my birthday. Since I’m am turning 29 I thought I would share 29 things about me. Most of you are fairly new here, I don’t anyone has been around since the very beginning of my site. If you have then I am very happy you came along here with me. This is going to be a great way to get to know random facts about me that I don’t most people know about me.

  1.  I have been doing my birthday count down for as long as I can remember.- I don’t know why because I don’t usually do much for my birthday
  2. I have Social Anxiety.
  3. My earliest memory of feeling anxious is when I was 7, and I thought my stomach hurt everyday at school.
  4. But my mom has said that when I was 3 the family counselor was concerned about my self esteem.
  5. Until I started blogging, I had never volunteered that information. I kept my anxiety to myself like a dirty secret.
  6. I’ve been consitantly caring for children since I was 12.
  7. I prefer to stay home watching a movie or reading a book then going out.
  8. I am really unorganized.
  9. Skittles are my favorite thing.
  10. Sour Gummy Worms are second.
  11. Although at this time of year Easter Sweet tarts are better.
  12. I buy more candy than I eat.
  13. I have a drawer full of candy,some in my purse, car, and bedroom.
  14. I hate cooking
  15. But I love baking
  16. Monday is my favorite day of the week
  17. I am very much afraid of heights, the dark, and crowds.
  18. I wasn’t going to get Maizy. I had seen her sister online and was going toget her, but she didn’t like me but Maizy did so I brought her home. Best decision i could have made.
  19. Tigre almost had to go back to the shelter. I fostered him because i wanted to be sure he got along with maizy before I committed to him,  they did not get along for the first week.  The day after I accepted it wasn’t working they got along so well and now they’re perfect together.
  20. “I’m not a/your/their mom” is one of my most used sentences.
  21. I have been working/volunteering at the church for over 10 years.
  22. I had hip surgery when i was 23.
  23. I can’t sleep with out two specific blankets, but I like to have 4.
  24. My mom sisters and i are all very close.
  25. My favorite thing anyone has called me is Aunt.
  26. I have 1 niece and 2 nephews.
  27. Taylor doesn’t actually call me “aunt” unless she wants something. But that’s ok.
  28. I give inanimate objects,thoughts and opinions, and most of them hate me.
  29. I talk too much, too fast…

Thats all for this year… maybe I’ll add more next year.

I was going to write a “letter to my younger self” but it sounded too depressing and didn’t accurately reflect on how it was, it just seemed like a lie. So maybe I’ll work on the wording or something.  Im not sure.

Now in the comments make sure you tell my mom congratulations on having and raising such a fantastic daughter 😉