Why I’ve been so quiet

Hey guys, Remember last week when I said that I was done being in the anxious haze.  I was wrong.  I am still hiding from social media.  I’ve been reading a lot too.  Books are an amazing way to distract from stress, and stuff.   It’s just so frustrating, I can’t help but feel like I am annoying everybody around me.  Now I know that I’m not actually a huge burden on everybody-as least I don’t actually think I am.  I was tagged in a fb post about my brother-in-laws brother’s birthday party-our families are pretty close- but I never responded, because they don’t care if I don’t go.  It makes no difference weather I go or not.  Weather or not I am actually annoying every one around and no matter how many people assure me that I’m not I still can’t get rid of this feeling.  Logic doesn’t work on anxiety.    
Nobody likes having a panic/anxiety attack, obviously.  However the way I’ve been experiencing my anxiety is way worse.  So much more frustrating.  I’ve been stuck in a “no one cares” state of mind.  I can handle the panic attacks, I’ve been doing it for about 17 years,  I can handle the closed in feeling and I can suffer in silence easily.  I can’t, however, shake this no one cares feeling.  It makes it very hard to keep up with blog posts when you feel like your readers aren’t going to care anyway.  I can get along just fine irl, it’s really hard to feel insignificant when you’ve got a few toddlers looking to you to take care of,  or a four year old who will never fail to tell you how much she loves you.  Even when she’s angry because you put her in time out.  Every time out ends with a hug and an “I love you, even when you’re naughty” and “I love you too, even when you put me in timeout”.  Seriously working in childcare is the best thing I could have ever done for my anxiety.
One thing that I’ve learned, or have decided is that it’s ok to be anxious.  It’s a very large part of who I am (you can click here to read more about how) so I don’t exactly hate it.  However I don’t want it to take over my life.  At this point it’s only effecting my online presence, I am putting a lot of effort in engaging on Twitter and Instagram.  It’s not done too much to my offline self, I mean I’m a bit more anti social then normal, but that’s ok.  I don’t mind sitting home alone everyday with just me and the kids, or my cats.  Typically I would choose to do the same even if my anxiety wasn’t so intense.

I think that acceptance is the only way to work through anxiety, or any mental health issue for that matter.  You can only play pretend for so long before everything comes crashing down.  I can put on a good show, make it look like I can cope just fine. When in reality, I’m barely breathing.  I have accepted my panic attacks, and most parts of my anxiety.  By accepting those parts of me, I have been able to learn how to work around my anxieties.  Not enough to not experience it, but enough to not hold anyone else back.  It holds me back still, but I don’t let it stop me from doing things for and with others.

Even just to get this post up I’ve stocked up on skittles, because sugar helps.  It may have taken a whole share size bag to write this, but that’s alright.  Also I am hoping to finish my other two posts that I’ve got planned for this week.  The pictures have already been taken, so I have excuses as to why I can’t finish. So make sure you subscribe that way you don’t miss them… They’re pretty exciting…  Well I’m excited for them anyway.  Also if you’re struggling keep your held high, remember that you are actually breathing,  and that I do care, and appreciate you.

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